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I THOUGHT I KNEW HER

by SAYJAY!

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1.
And so I work myself and drain myself And you're the reason why I'd never hurt somebody, I've never even tried But now I'll try, or else I'll die, and no one else will know I cried 'Cause I might go solve my sadness with a guy What will you do about my sickness? If it was yours, would you live with it? Is it even called an illness if I know? I've been known And is it wrong to disassociate? My dignity could wash away And is it wrong to get it on so I don't have to think at all? It's the best part! It's my sad arc ABC, what the world could do to me If I let it go, if I let it show, let the feelings flow Rock and roll, I fall asleep And I like to imagine myself between your arms Like it matters if I'm there, if I'm here or anywhere In my dreams or my despair, you exist without a care "I do, I do" I'll never say that to you 'Cause I know if I do, shop for new honeymoons I'm hitched to the concept that my love is overrated, getting me onto a lifelong path of twos Intimacy, as scary as it seems, is inflated by the internet As what you get for being someone cool, maybe pretty too Is it even called an sickness if I knew? Is it even called an illness if it's only ever brewed? If I'm gonna give it up and sell my dignity for rushes, Then my crushes better understand I'm doomed What will you do about my sickness? If it was yours, would you live with it? Is it even called an illness if I know? I've been known And is it wrong to disassociate? My dignity could wash away And is it wrong to get it on so I don't have to think at all? And so I work myself and drain myself And you're the reason why I'd never hurt somebody, I've never even tried But now I'll try, or else I'll die, and no one else will know I cried 'Cause I might go solve my sadness with a guy I'm hurting in abundance without every knowing why The reason's pretty simple, but was never on my mind I think that's fine, consider Y, because my ex just hit my line Throw away your worth, let's sixty nine Do it like you're running out time Do it like you're the last people alive It'll never make you happy, but it'll pass the time Go and solve your sadness with a guy
2.
KID LIKE YOU 03:46
I got microagressed on a Wednesday I can barely keep up, baby replay I don't know you, hope I don't have to, Gonna ignore you, forget all about you I got bullied on a casual Monday I got pushed to the side in a gymnasium setting You're so upsetting, who are you testing? I'm just a kid, like you (Just a kid, like you) And it's crazy how much I deplore you And really not you, its the memories Oh, they haunt me, tease, tear, and taunt me Constantly flaunting how uncool I can be But that's really not me Not since 2013 Not since Nat Geo magazines Not since I started having dreams (Since I started having dreams) You were a kid, but who were you fooling? Was it worth it being mean to be cool? See, you didn't know that I was in shambles Blow out the candles, take a look underneath I can also learn to be mean And that's exactly what I'll be So long, and thanks for everything So long and thanks for everything... If I get micro-aggressed on a Wednesday If I get bullied on a casual Monday If my home life is an opera in decay How do I prove that I'm just a kid like you? If I get older and nothing much changes How do I justify these phases? I can't fathom how I got sadder Older, way fatter I wanted a childhood too What am I suppoused to do? Thinking of memories of you I'm reminising on abuse 'Cause I was just a kid like you I was just a kid like you Never good enough for you Just a kid, like you Just a kid, like you Na na na, I was a kid like you I was a kid like you Na na na, I was a kid like you I was a kid like you
3.
BEGIN AGAIN 03:48
(What if I'm holding on for way too long? What if I beg my lover to stay? And the things that go wrong are simply never my fault So be kind to me so I can feel okay) I traded honor away begging people to stay So I can feel reassured once more But people will change, and I guess I am the same Grieving what I never had and what I lost But girls don't cry, so that's not why I'm making rivers in my room Can't sleep, can't dream, can't eat, can't be the daughter that you wish resembled you I think about it and I'm happiest when you're crying too, but I don't wanna look like you THERE WAS ALWAYS A WAY TO BRIGHTEN MY DAY BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT NOW THAT I'M GONE SO BEGIN AGAIN, IF ONLY UNDER HER BREATH THE PATH LAYS OUT FOR YOU, LET WORRY REST THERE WAS ALWAYS A WAY TO KEEP ME AT BAY BUT YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, CAUSE I'M GONE NOW BEGIN AGAIN, YOUR SOUL IS FREE, SO DO THE REST BEGIN AGAIN, BEGIN AGAIN, BEGIN AGAIN (Begin again) What if I'm holding on for way too long? How can I restart if everything's wrong? Can I run away, or should I behave? Compare my heartrate to a parade-type drum So tell me why I can't seem to act right Can't make up my mind if I want the spotlight But if you look at me and see someone you wish you knew Maybe I grew, maybe I started again
4.
And the song keeps playing with a stereo sound With the stellar level panning, left and right, all around She never really made it rooted up from the ground But having fun all with it honey, that's the purpose we found Girl you've been deceived, gloomy gray looming clouds You should walk away and free yourself from being so down And I would love to take you, shine light on your ground Say bye, girl! You deserve it! Be mine, sunshine I found Baby, search⁠ and be found Be mine, sunshine I found Baby, search⁠ and be found Be mine, sunshine I found
5.
CHOOSE XL 02:28
6.
Ah, I stop myself from losing everything Life and death and birth and all those little things All the people that I've met have lost something Life and death and kittens are promised, the misery all may bring Maybe you haven't heard what this life is all about Let it play all its tricks on you, leave you hanging there with doubts What you want from me, I can't give Go ask someone not struggling to live Before you lose someone, or something Ask yourself if it's worth it Talk about stopping me No, there's no stopping me Rid the world of the things that are harming me Said you could come with me But you won't come with me Without you life and death just keep haunting me Do you ever lie awake wondering, "Why am I alive and still sweltering?" Manifesting fake, inhale, exhale, quake Close your eyes, dream yourself in your better days
7.
8.
Maybe I'm not wrong You're just the only one Who gets to see me doing what I love Away from people hate to see me Prosper better than you or anyone, except I never will Because I'm way too scared to move on I've been on a high since i saw you and I hope I don't come down It seems like I might have a problem What's the price to have a conscience? I may just let you down I feel guilty, not out loud, but I do I think about the fault I cause (It's for the sake of both of us) I think that I will make it pause (It's for the sake of both of us) And how I feel is not a must (It's for the sake of both of us) I'll turn it off, I'll mute the lust (It's for the sake of both of us) Some things happen so slowly Some things happen slowly
9.
RECOVER 02:20
10.
11.
LOW 03:30
I think that everything is kinda stupid I cannot think of anything that's worth my precious time No matter who surrounds me, I still know that I'm alone The company I keep is in my mind From lozenges to substances, nothing really heals me I spend my time alone inside my room The second that I have someone, I'm only full of fear And it's telling me I'm never gonna grow Do you believe in me? I bet you don't Don't even know me, you don't even try to know Do you acknowledge me? Mmm, barely so I know there's nothing about me you wanna know I wake up every day and try to balance out the failures One or two or three can't be redeemed And no matter all the effort I put in, it's like nothing ever changes It feels like there is nothing in this world i have to yearn for Yet I'm yearning all the time, so bad it hurts I hope that I'm gone soon, I know nobody's gonna miss me If you would, I don't believe you, I need proof Because you came along and tore down everything that I was building Who on earth gave you the right to make me feel this way? I can't justify how every normal choice I'm never making Was influenced by things you didn't say Will you remember me? I hope you don't All I want to be to you is just a ghost I gave it all to you, so now you're bored And I don't think you'll learn to love me if you don't If you already don't
12.
CHRONIC 02:19
No, I won't lie, I'm chronically online A disease that spreads from the brain down the spine An issue that some may blame on the time I was born By myself watching Netflix again Watching softcore romance and girls being friends When will it be me? Not just a fantasy? Wanna go somewhere else and be seen What would you try to do if I didn't? (Thinking of being a runaway) What would you even think if I did? (I guess there wasn't that much to say) All of the awful things I could tell you... Did you meet someone nice or half-dead? And what if I told you the truth? Would you turn right around and be gone? It's not like I'm afraid to lose you Just to keep you and not know your thoughts
13.
STARVED 03:59
I wasn't looking for that much But now I'm just starving for your touch It's like anything and everything has caused me to feel Pesky little thoughts I've snuffed as such, But then I just acted on my hunch All that I've hoped for will be realized or erased over time Nothing you can do except sit there and cry Or maybe get up and try Get up and try I wasn't looking for that much But now it looks like I'm out of touch I'm reaching out for something that has no hands out to catch me My poor little heart can't take this much But I'm here again, it's like a crutch Whatever I wanted isn't here so why am I about to cry? Why do such little things make me just wanna die? And every day it goes on, I wonder who here has lied And if you would lie And maybe I lied But baby, I'm gonna try Things look good for you, I'm starving for your touch and it's only you I don't know why it needs to be, but look at me Do you see a woman with her arms outreached? Is she seen? It's hard finding something that I can believe So, baby, don't lie to me, don't lie to me Or I'll cut it off real quick, gelding I wasn't looking for that much But now I'm just starving for your touch It's like anything and everything has caused me to feel Pesky little thoughts I've snuffed as such, But then I just acted on my hunch All that I've hoped for will be realized or erased over time Erased over time Erased over time Erased over time Erased over time Erased over time Erased over time You're wasting your time You're wasting your time

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released March 20, 2023

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